chew and hurl

I don't know about you, but discovering an overbearingly large piece of rubbery matter that CANNOT be chewed in a bite of food is about enough to send me over the edge.

What's worse is when this unfortunate incident happens at a fancy dinner with people whom you are still in the trying to impress stage.

You know just when it happens too.

First comes denial where you allow your tongue to gingerly investigate the gnarly goober in your mouth pleading with it to just be your imagination and really be a piece of meat or at best something edible.

I love it, too, when someone at the table decides to address you as you are having this battle of wills with your esophagus and gag reflex.

Next, comes this panic because you know you have to get it out--get it out or let your table neighbor watch as your body does this inexplicable heave as you attempt to swallow what your body will NOT ALLOW YOU TO DO.

No amount of water is going to get this minion down.

Pair this with an accidental swallow out of your neighbors drink and you've got friends of friends wondering why in the world they are friends with you.

"What's the matter with that woman?"

How does one handle a situation like this?

I find the easiest option is just to take it out of my mouth and put it under some salad on my plate. (Not exactly what Martha Stewart recommends but I think at this point she's certainly seen worse--so…)

This, unfortunately, comes with its own set of obstacles because I always inevitably end up finding my way back to it again (as if it's destiny) and sign right back up to enjoy round two of "gristle hockey" when this clever little vomit inducer grabs a ride on the next forkful of food. (Maybe hiding it under lettuce isn't such a good idea after all.)

What the hell?

All I can think at that moment is Are you freaking kidding me?

The process must now start all over again.

Although, NOW I will be much wiser—I will put it in my napkin (cloth or not--at this point I don't care—I truly have nothing to lose) and I will get rid of it once and for all.

Wow. Who knew a simple dinner out could be riddled with such challenges.

For me—anything's possible.

Any funny dinner experiences to share?