Wicked Cotton

Have you ever stopped to think about the value that toilet paper holds in our lives? 

Let’s face it–it’s a pretty significant part of our daily routine. I mean, imagine a day without it.

You’ve most likely, at some point, made or at least heard one of those comments.

“Where’s the toilet paper?”  

“I have a coupon for toilet paper.”

“We’re out of toilet paper!”

“Don’t forget to get toilet paper!”

Toilet paper has the ability to unmask a litany of emotions.

For instance, when I go into a restroom and there is none, I feel stress.

When I find that someone has splurged on the good stuff AND it pulls off easy–I feel content.

There is one toilet paper situation I can’t quite wrap my mind around.

It’s the one square halt.

This situation typically happens somewhere where you’re in a hurry or already somewhat uncomfortable using the restroom.

You’re usually hovering over the toilet bowl trying not to drop half of your clothing in the water, and your legs are screaming at you to just sit down for God’s sake.

I am talking about when you start to pull the toilet paper from the roll and it just stops after one square and then rips off into your hand.

And when this happens, it’s not like its Charmin or anything substantial–heaven forbid!

The only way through this dire situation is to keep pulling and pulling while it just keeps ripping and ripping.

By the time you’re finished (by finished I mean exhausted, sweaty, and trying not to run screaming out of the restroom with your pants around your ankles) you have this frayed fluffy mess of white shreds in your hand.

Then when you try to use the shredded mess, your hand ends up doing all the heavy lifting, and you realize you’ve just touched things you shouldn’t have.

I believe the sadistic inventors of Scott tissue and the “TP Stopper” (found in all airports and major chain department stores) are in cahoots with each other.

I believe the whole thing has been set up for fun so in some factory somewhere they can just watch us idiots on their “toilet cam” try to get a piece of their toilet paper.

I imagine them just laughing and laughing.

At no point do I ever want to tear off one square and one square only.

Another way toilet paper can invoke stress is when you find you have walked out of a bathroom with a trail of it stuck to your shoe–or worse yet–hanging from the top of your pants.

And, maybe I’m just weird, but I also really enjoy (not) lugging it on the counter at the grocery store. I always feel like my privacy has just been invaded.

Hey, quit looking at me like that. We all use it.

Toilet paper is simply exhausting. How long do you spend in the toilet paper aisle mulling over these questions?

Do I need six rolls or should I splurge on 18? Should I get the double roll-good Lord that’s expensive if I get the 18 pack. Do I need aloe in my toilet paper? Boy…that would be nice.  

See–lots of emotions surrounding toilet paper.

BUT, my favorite has to be when people get their toilet paper monogrammed.

Thank you for that, because I’ve been looking forward to wiping my ass with your initials all day.  It makes me feel sooooo fancy.